Get Your Fool’s Gold Card

Second Best Plan for Second-best People

I usually don’t post midweek, but I couldn’t stop myself this time. Hope you don’t mind.

Have you heard about the latest way to solve the immigration problem? I mean, besides Guantanamo Bay and deporting criminals. No, really, this idea is fantastic, as in too outrageous to be believed, capable of laughing one right out of town.

If only that were true.

It’s the Gold Card Immigration Plan, dreamed up by the present occupant of the White House.

For a mere five million smackers, you too could buy your way into America. No leaky boats or thousand-mile journeys on foot through the jungle. No buoys in the river or barbed wire on the wall. Just fork over the money and you’ll get preferential treatment. You’ll be so pleased with your new status as a Gold Card member that you probably won’t even have to get one of those awful jobs Americans refuse to do—picking vegetables in the fields or working at the chicken processing plant, for instance.

If five mil was all you had, and now you’re broke, well do we have a job for you! Plenty of hotels need workers to change the sheets or whip up a Trump steak for dinner. And if people get really mean and make comments about your brown or black skin or your funny-looking eyes, just flash your gold card. Say you’re one of POTUS’ closest friends—the best money can buy. It’s like a green card, but a whole helluva lot more expensive.

I doubt I’ve made anywhere close to five million bucks in my lifetime. Artists and teachers and writers almost always live on the edge of poverty, and I’m a poster child for Broke Creative types, especially now that my husband’s gone. I’m already a citizen of these United States, but like a lot of us who aren’t billionaires, I’m kind of a second-class citizen.

Compared to some rich foreigner, I couldn’t come up with that much money if my life depended on it. That’s why I’m excited to announce my answer to the Gold Card for Immigrants. It’s called the Fool’s Gold Card and it’s going to take this country by storm.

First, instead of five million dollars, the Fool’s Gold plan is absolutely free. The target consumer shops at Dollar Tree and drives some old gas hog. Instead of steak, they dine on veggies grown in backyards. The last week of every month they tend to eat ramen, because the food stamps ran out. Some even reuse paper towels and aluminum foil, the better to stretch the budget.

Fool’s Gold cardholders will already be employed at the supermarket, the school, the fire station, in the field, scrubbing toilets in the hotels or making your Happy Meal. Fool’s Gold peeps shopped at thrift stores before it was a thing and generally have more month than funds to get through them. Even so, they will take in unsheltered people and help out the best they know how.

But the best way to spot a Fool’s Gold cardholder is to watch for generosity. These people hand out their last ten dollars to the guy flying the sign and help make sandwiches for hungry folks. They tend to wear their emotions proudly on their sleeves, bleeding hearts honoring the Sacred Heart with compassion and lovingkindness on display.

Fool’s Golders take helping others seriously and rarely ask what’s in it for them. They care for others without demanding payment. They live with open minds and open hearts. Many seem to have deep faith that spurs them to love ever more.

The present occupant claims that selling these five-million-dollars-a-pop Gold Cards could help wipe out the national debt. In exchange, the immigrants get a smooth path and maybe even future citizenship. I’m not sure, but I think they may throw in a few steaks with you-know-who’s name branded on them. What a dreamer’s bargain!

Fool’s Gold Cards will never be able to compete. Jesus, the guy who taught and preached and modeled love, forgiveness, compassion seemed to take the loser’s side—you know, least of these and all that. He was always giving stuff away—how are you supposed to pay down the national debt with a business plan like that?

Let’s face it, if you want a Fool’s Gold Card, you’re pretty much already a loser. Show your Fool’s Gold card at your favorite local business and you’re liable to get escorted out. In the end, you’ll have to join with the other Fool’s Gold crowd—the billionaires will shut you up and shut you down.

But take heart! With your Fool’s Gold Card, you’ll always have a family. Fool’s Gold Cons will crop up wherever second-class citizens gather—the down and out, the sick, the disabled, the aged and infirm. You’ll find them under bridges, beside railroad tracks, at soup kitchens or wherever billionaires dare not go. Just show that Fool’s Gold membership card and you’re in. Who knows, even a loser like Jesus might show up. Chances are, He couldn’t raise five million bucks either. And anyway, Jesus won’t mind joining a bunch of fools.